Hello everyone, I'd like
to tell you one of my true story through my PPD and PPP in 2011-2014, for the
sake of sharing the meaning of the message "You Are Not Alone" lead
me to have a big passion and self confidence to write down and ignore a fear in
my mind who keep telling me " I can't do this!".
My Pregnancy Loss And Grief
I was marriage in 2009. 5
years ago, I was an English teacher, I taught conversation for kindergarten. The
children liked me a lot and so did I, their innocent faces made me so happy no
matter how noisy they were sometimes, I have not got my pregnancy yet that
time, so I assumed them as my own children. They said how lucky your children
are having a mama like you. I imagined to be a happy mama and resigned from my job
if I have my own kids, waiting for my husband after work and prepare dinner,
laughing, be a supermom, loving, patient and tender. But in fact, unfortunately
it didnot happened to me. Motherhood was a nightmare. Completely different from
being a teacher. I was more like a zombie than a mama, or a mama without
feeling inside
It began in 2011 when I had my first pregnancy, everything was going fine until someday my Obgyn said that my baby was IUFD in 26 weeks pregnancy because of genetic abnormality factor. I had no idea about IUFD was, I heard about miscarriage, I thought after passing first trimester, my pregnancy would be okay. I was suprised and shocked, I remembered I was out of control in the hospital and didnot want this baby to leave my body, denying he was still alive. My husband, sisters and obgyn hugged me and said "everything will be okay Yana, we love you so much, you were still young and would have another child, your son needed to be burried in a deserved place. he was already being your angel". Struggling 3 days in the hospital, finally he was born, but my midwife didnot allow me to see him, she was afraid that I would be more depressed.
After going home from hospital, I had to accept that I was not pregnant anymore. I thought It must be a punishment and I must have done something wrong. I keep holding a grudge for my own self. My family and neighbour did not want to understand, They wanted me to be though immadiately. In order to reduce my pain, we decided to separated from my parent's house and rent a house,trying to have a new life. They sometimes dropped in my rent house and the have seen me as a woman who got easily moved on. They did not know in the middle of night, I still had a previous bad dream, a flash back about my son death and trauma by the procedure of his birth for 3 years (until my daughter 1 year old ) also hold a pillow as my son. My husband always be there for me and give his best patience. One night I ever saw him sheding tears in the kitchen. I asked him in the morning "why did you cry?" he said " I felt hurted too, but if I see you cry, it gave me more sadness and pain, I need to strenghten you, please...don't be like this anymore, you are not be blamed. It was not your fault, it was not my fault, it was not anybody's fault, please don't grudge your self". For not making him dissapointed, I decided to not show my grief in front of him, I cried when I was alone at home.
3 months later, I saw two lines in my pregnancy testpack, I was so glad and told him. One day after that, I got, “I thought” it was catasthropic bleeding and I was so frustated, feeling I will lost my second chance. We immadiately went to the hospital to check this out. I was afraid and feel desperated. Suprisedly, after examining me through USG, my doctor said that I was not pregnant or it called pseudopregnancy. He told us , probably because of my psychological strees and emotional which is really wanted to have a baby. this bleeding was only my menstruation period. We followed all procedures in order to get a healthier pregnancy included in TORCH and ACA test. Thanks God, all of my laboratorium tests are negative and we continue the programmes from my doctor. We should consume some suplements and vitamins. On May 2012, finally I got my second pregnancy. We were very happy for this, He took care of me and did some household, cleaned the house and washed the clothes. Yup, sadly. it didnot run well, a little of blood, 3 times covered my underwear if I was tired, I had to stay in my bed for about 2-3 months and drink some medicines to save my baby's life.
Felt alone in the rent house when he has worked, my anxiety during pregnancy getting worst, I kept thinking how if...how about..worry if something bad happened again, afraid seeing USG, how if my baby IUFD anymore...I could not sleep and easily to be panic. I did not enjoy it at all. Every hour, I checked my underwear to see is there any blood or not?. 2nd trisemester was better and I tried to go outside alone without my husband. At 34th weeks, my doctor said my placenta was not so good, I had placenta spuria grade 3 and became grade 4 at 38th weeks pregnancy, not only placenta spuria but also oligohydramnion. Doctor has decided 2 options to save her, caeserean section immadiately or induction labor ( 50:50 chance to live). I said I didnot want an induction labor because I still have trauma with that "way", and I was afraid she would die anymore,,please,,please..I begged to him. Seeing me so panic and could not calm, we decided to choose caesarean operation. With all those kind of hopes, love and patience, my beautiful daughter came to this world on January, 17th 2013 at 8.30 pm. She was so perfect for me, her face is like my husband's, but her eyes seemed to be like me. Her voice at the first time has cheered up my parents and my parents in law. She was put by a nurse in my breast for a moment and we separated, I felt she wanted to closed with me for a longer time. Something weird, I could not be happier than my family and I felt numb emotion. I should be enthutiastic right? it was my dream come true, finally after 3 years waiting, but why I could not even smile?.
Little Hana, Welcome To The World
Here Came The Storm : “Who Am I?”
Now,
I became a new Mama, everyone was interested in with her, but I could not have
the same feeling. I was tired and lack of sleep, I was so confused and
exhausted. I cried more often than my baby did. I thought I wouldn’t have any
problems with breastfeeding because after my son’s death my milk were high
supplied and I have been a nursing mama for my 5 months nephew. Unfortunately,
it was very difficult to nurse her and I felt guilty for that.
One
day we decided to visit a lactation Counselor, asked some help.What happened
next was shocked me. She (my lactation Counselor) said that the one who needed
a help was me than my baby. She said I was probably having a baby blues
syndrome. She told that because I was quaking with fear when hold my baby in my
arms, she saw something went wrong with me, and I need immadiately a
professional health mental. Suddenly I remembered my old sister has ever said
to me that a mother who has a baby blues syndrome was not a good mom. Thinking
of that I ignored her suggestion. I was afraid people would see me as a crazy
mom and took my baby from me. And with my fear inside me, I tried everything to
boost my breastmilk, and it didnot work at all. Until I found SNS (Suplementary
Nursing System) in order to decrease my guilty and I wanted to touch her by my
skin. Unfortunately my baby has a lactose intolerent with formula milk, her
skin was irritated and she got diarhea, she had to stay in the hospital for 3
days because of dehidration. A best friend
of mine gave Hana her breastmilk.
Beside
feeling guilty, I also isolated my self from people, I tended to be more angry
than before, bad insomia, lack interested in sex, easily to be sensitive and
often did self harm. The baby blues syndrome has not gone away, but it getting
worse when my daughter 6 months old. I have ever offered my daughter in
facebook unconsiously for my friends (the stupidest things I have ever done and
somehow I still regret this until now. How it could be?) before I attempted my
first suicide. I began to hear a voice in the middle at night command me to end
my life. Thanks God, my husband has failed
my suicide again and again. My friend who really care suggested me to
join a local support group named Peduli Trauma ( Trauma Awareness Group).
This Support Group Was My Hero ; I began
to see a light In The Darkness
We visited Trauma Awareness support group first annual meeting. I scared I will
be blamed for what happened. My husband told them “ please help my wife, she
has become somebody I didnot recognize, she kept said that she was a killer,
she was not a good mom, she was an evil, she was not worthed for me ,
eventhough doctor said it was not her fault, she did not trust it, she wanted
to hurt her self and many times wanted to end her life”. After he told them, I
cried a lot and I said I still hurted because of my son’s death, I still had a previous bad dream about him. I missed
him a lot, my daughter even cannot replaced his place in my heart, and I was dissapointed
why I should have a daughter not a son, it was not about a baby gender, it
because I still lived in the past and assumed my daughter as my son.
We
had attended support group annual meeting for 5 times, one of counselor in that
group helped my husband when he frustated with me, again I tried to end my
life, my counselor helped him to be calm, hug me, go to the special place to
talk and let me cry. They also found a therapist and psychologist for me. Someday
my daughter hugged me without any purposed and she called me “mama”, I sheded
tears suddenly and said “ya, I am your mama, thanks for giving me this chance,
and I would do anything to see your smiles and that tiny voices, I wanted to
have a happier motherhood for you. You are my reason to live Hana, you have
been sent from heaven to me.
My
first psychologist said I had several symptoms of depression, but I still
unsatisfied and we found another psychologist for second opinion, with all her
kindness she said I was not only have postpartum depression but also nearby to
postpartum psychosis. I was so confused, and asked her, “so, I am not crazy,
mam?” “No you arent” she said, she
explained me patiently what PPD and PPP are. Step by step, I have understood
that, struggling the stigmas over me and helped us a lot to save our marriage.
She said your husband support and love was like a magic wound, you must be
grateful for this. My husband is not perfect , he sometimes bored with my depression
and ever screamed out to me, it was normally as a human being and caregiver.
But without him, I would not be here. We
tried to fix our relationship after postpartum depression and postpartum
psychosis.
In a different time, my
therapist help me through “ Forgiveness Theraphy”. He led me to open my mind
that I was not a killer of my son. I need to forgive and let go my mistakes and
another who has hurted me in the past slowly.
I still keep in touch with them now, everytime I feel something going wrong
with me, I could call them. After theraphy many times, a supply of my
breastmilk has been increased ( when my baby 1 year old), I put down the SNS
and I have a high self confident to nurse her.
Now
I accepted my son’s death and love my daughter with all my heart. I said sorry
to her for my mistakes. Mama is back Hana, like a rainbow after hard rain and
storm. Your love and your daddy’s will color my life with happiness, sometimes
it get dark but I know how to find the light and the way back into love. Your
mama is not perfect at all, but I was not a zombie anymore, I am your true
mama.A mama with feeling not a numb emotion. I will hug you and kiss you first
in the morning with your smelly diaper and mouth , I still like it. Hana, you
don’t have an idea how much I love from earth to the moon. You are the most
precious person in my life. I love both of you, the difference is I love your
brother with peace and not blamed my self, I am not holding a grudge to my self
and anyone who hurted me anymore, and I love you as my daughter not as my son.
I am happy to have a daughter like you, I can buy a lot of dresses, dolls and
accesories like my mom did to me when I was a child. Thank you Hana for being
my baby. I had a little bit of memory
loss, I could not remember clearly the
first time you crawled, the first time you stand up with your feet, but it is
okay, a picture of you in a photo album will
erase my pain, little Hana.
Lately,
I am falling in love again with my husband, there is not anger or hatred anymore
for him. This is a same feeling like I saw him for the first time 7 years ago. My
heart will beat so quickly in front of him. His hug cured me. I feel worthed
for him. Slow but sure, my frigidity disappears. From July 2014 until now, I have not ever heard the “ whisper” which
lead me to end my life and I never have a previous bad dream anymore.
I
really did not know, that there is some people in this world want to help me to
through my PPD and PPP, the people who is not my family member, and I even do
not recognize them before, but with patience, support and love help us a lot. I am still struggling until now, and I am not shy to admit that I still need a lot of therapis to my recovery.
I said thank you to Trauma Awareness Support Group, my therapist and my
psychologist to help me and my family.
In
the early 2015, in order to find an international support group related to PPD
, I searched on google and found Postpartum Support International. A wonderful
support group which not only help Mama in US but also around the world. With
their kindness allowed me to be a volunteer and teach me over webinar every
twice a month. This is such us a great chance to me to learn more about
Perinatal Mood Disorder and help us in Indonesia to build a community related
to PMD named Peduli Kesehatan Jiwa Ibu Perinatal Indonesia (Indonesia Perinatal
Mom Mental Health Care), with a
guidelines from PSI and a commitment from our team, step by step we would like
have a good relationship with professional health mental so we can help another
mamas who suffering with PMD, to let
them know that “You Are Not Alone”
Thank you PSI for giving me this beautiful chance to share my story through PPD
and PPP from 2011-2014. 3 words from me to PSI:
Complete
Kind
And Great Systematized International Organisation
Kind
And Great Systematized International Organisation
